my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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