I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
