The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
