I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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