You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
