I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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