All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
