i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
