if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
