Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
