Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
