I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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