420 ftw
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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