I molested 6 butterflies tonight
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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