He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
