Your mouth is God's brothel.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
