In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
