saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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