my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
