just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
