Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
