I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
