I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
