Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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