My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
