we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
