I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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