dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
