My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
