the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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