They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
