bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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