i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
