i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This house was built for laser tag.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
