Having a random hookup so left but love u
Please, let me fuck your mom
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
