Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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