just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
