I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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