is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
