i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
