I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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