ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Enjoy the penises
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
