I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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