My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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