Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I could fuck to npr.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
