DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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