I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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