She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
