dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
even my farts smell like vagina
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize