I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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