What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
