I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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