so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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