...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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