In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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