Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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