I puked a lego.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
