I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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