FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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