Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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