My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
