Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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