I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
