So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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