I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
